Coach Patty Bee

Coach Patty Bee

Blog

Surrender

Posted by Coach Patty Bee on April 11, 2020 at 12:00 AM

When I was 13 years old I weighed maybe 79 lbs soaked and wet. Compared to my friends whos bodies were feminine and curvy, my boyish figure was made up of 2 sweatpants stuffed inside my oversize jeans.

 

At the mall my girlfriends and I walked around with no money to spend, hoping to see boys. Before I left my house I made sure to put on that 80s style black eyeliner. Sprayed a ton of Aquanet so my bangs could hold up tall. My eyes were pulled back with a tight ponytail. I popped that red lipstick and stared at the mirror. I was looking dope.

 

My confidence came crushing down when a group of kids walking by gasped and laughed at the sight of me. Among many words, the most that pierced me were "damn she is so skinny, look at her, omg." Loud enough for me and my friends to hear of course. Some of my friends laughed too.... then I laughed (hiding the hurt).

 

Family called me Olive Oyl (Popeye's wife), flakucha and inklenka (skinny one, bony one).

 

Back home I stared in the mirror and saw the reflection of pride growing in me. I ignored the words that tried to bring me down. Ignored the memories of abuse in my home. Ignored the guns pointed at my face. Ignored the drug abuse. Ignored losing my dad to prison. Ignored the group of bullies who beat me up when I walked to school. Ignored that I was too young to take on the responsibility of protecting my family. Ignored the nights I heard my mom cry. Ignored the hurt because weakness was not an option. Ignored the baggage that got heavier everyday. I had built a wall so high so no one could break in.

 

At the age of 29, failing marriage, six months pregnant, alone and full of pride, I met Jesus at the foot of an altar at church. On my knees I pleaded for relief and for the weight of my past to be lifted. I had been strong for too long. I surrendered!

 

God has taken me through a bumpy road where I am discovering a better me. A woman who is still healing daily, who found her worth and beauty, who is learning to accept her flaws, who forgave the past, and who doesn't need to act strong. She no longer fights alone!

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